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    Our motto is Pokémon Practice makes Pokémon Perfect. We are a competitive-battling community that encourages the development of players and their ideas, and fosters positive and respectful attitudes. We love Collaboration (working together), Competition (getting stronger), and Communication (being informed).

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    View Introduction to Tiers if you don't know what tiers are. Pokémon Perfect tiers are named differently to those on Smogon. A numeral followed by the letter U, e.g. 1U, 2U, 3U, represents a main tier on Pokémon Perfect – the '1' of '1U' representing the tier level. For a tier to be a main tier, it must be balanced (nothing is too powerful and game-breaking) and diverse enough (include a variety of Pokémon and strategies). A numeral followed by the letter P, e.g. 1P, 2P, 3P contain all Pokémon that are deemed overpowered in the respective 1U, 2U, 3U tiers. The 1st tier level allows Pokémon that are banned in the 2nd level, and this process continues down. Read the tier list, and in-depth explanations of the tiers naming system and tiering system. Also check out our analyses for all tiers.

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    RBY 1U Seasons and its master tournaments are responsible for starting up the community, and tournaments continue to play a big role in maintaining interest in the forums. Signups Open gives you a list of tournaments you can join, and Ongoing lists tournaments that you might want to follow. Additionally, you can tap to find out approximate Schedules for tournaments.

    For historical threads, check out Signups Closed, Finished tournaments and Results. We also have Nominations, Voting and Event threads for exhibitions – past and present.

Community The Man of the 1000 Excuses

Discussion in 'Introduce Yourself!' started by Chrysalis, Feb 13, 2018.

  1. Chrysalis

    Chrysalis scorpion Host Emeritus

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    np:


    Hello everyone. I am Nico, aka Linkin Karp.
    I am 18 years old, currently studying Mathematics and Computer Science somewhere in Germany, from autumn onwards I will be doing my MSc in either the UK, Israel, Austria or the Netherlands.
    And in my 14 months on here, I have rarely told anyone a thing about myself. Nobody aside from DA, whom I had added on Facebook at some point, even knew my actual first name. I only gained notoriety for being ridiculously difficult to schedule with due to having literally zero overlap with the average working person in my own timezone, and for being extremely inconsistent, often blaming losses partly on external conditions, which I always failed to specify further. Here's the whole truth.

    I am a victim of domestic abuse.
    No one is safe from that. Regardless of age, physical and mental strength, or gender. Especially gender. Did you know that 1 in 6 boys experiences sexual assault before the age of 18? Me neither until I stumbled upon the studies. But I digress. The fact is that when someone is perceived as strong, be it because of gender or any other factors, people are much less likely to support them if they become victims, and might even start seeing the abuser as the abused. It's really not visible from the outside, and men can hide everything especially well. We've been taught to hide emotions all our lives. But I really don't want to make this about gender.

    ----

    I've been with this amazing girl since 1.5 years ago. That was a time when some failed relationships had destroyed my trust, and we literally fell in love at first sight. We didn't know tho. She had a boyfriend and we just built up a super intimate friendship within a single week. I told myself that this was the last person I'd attempt to trust in a long time, and this time it actually paid off. She was the strongest, most independent girl I knew and had great humor and a 9/10 look, and as the months advanced all of our friends predicted us to eventually get together. I thought it was too perfect though. After the last relationships, I wasn't so sure if I wanted to risk this friendship. We had it all, and we didn't need to be even closer.
    After like 3 months she shot her fuckboi to the moon and started admitting to herself that she had fallen for me. I had always had the same affection as if we'd been together for years, so it really didn't make a difference when she asked me if I wanted to be her boyfriend. I specifically wanted an open relationship though, since I really didn't want to deal with the usual bullshit. I was only going for the positive aspects.
    At one point she opened up to me about her Russian mother being a raging piece of shit that beat her up all the time. That basically shoulda been the first red flag, I'd had 2 exes with Borderline before, didn't need a third tyvm. Second red flag was when she became kind of possessive after around 2 months and asked me if our relationship could stop being open. Was fine for me, I didn't intend to fuck anyone else, but this wasn't actually what it was about. It was more the fact that we'd started suffocating each other until we'd eventually break up like any other couple due to being too close. Should've listened to my brain there, but not like I was in the position to. It was all too perfect and I was still kind of a wreck, but she made everything better day by day.

    Fast forward, on Jan 3 I get a message that one of my closest friends has died in an accident. A bit of backstory, when I was 15 and done with school that guy had asked me to move to Berlin with him to study. He was the one who had awakened my scientific curiosity and the motivation to actually do stuff with my talents, and he was deeply involved in the rationalist community. Unfortunately, to my Christian mother, "rationalist" is basically the same thing as Scientology, so I was forced to do my BSc at the shitty local uni since here you can legally prevent your kids from moving out before 18. So when I found out about his passing, something inside me snapped. I couldn't stand the thought of spending another 1.5 years with my parents and immediately made detailed plans about getting my own apartment. About a week later, my girlfriend told me that she's been dreaming of living with me when I've moved out. Big fucking red flag right in my face, but fear of missing out on something was stronger than my brain lmao. In hindsight I really should've seen it coming, at least partially.

    Can't find the log on Discord but DA told me it's really a bad idea to move in with your girlfriend at this point. But I wouldn't name myself after Magikarp if I wasn't a fucking idiot, and this also held true here.
    I also had to make my first excuse in MT34 after losing R2 2-3 to TIN since whenever she felt bad, she had the tendency to spam me with like 30-50 messages until I responded, and then she started to pour out all her unfiltered anxious thoughts 2 turns into G4 and I just clicked moves until I realized it was too late to win the game. That's not as bad as the later ones tho - we'll get to that.

    Half a year passed until we had our apartment. She'd spent every weekend at my parents' house and I had become fairly confident that moving in together would work. That changed the day she was thrown out by her mother, it was already clear at that point that I'd take her in and she lived with me and my parents for a month. During that time, she did absolutely nothing by herself. She was the only one among our friends who did almost nothing when we renovated the apartment, because she didn't like my dad and mostly stayed in bed when we went. She never even dared to leave my room to go to the bathroom when my parents were home, since she was kinda scared of my mom. Somewhat understandable since my mom's really intrusive, but what the fuck.
    When we moved in shit hit the fan. She did absolutely nothing and I was stuck doing everything in our household, except unpacking her stuff which literally kept lying around in crates until November. The first three days she excused it by saying she had to get used to living in freedom, after that she didn't even try making excuses anymore and it just became normality. She really started to live out every aspect of her depression and claimed she'd hidden it from everyone including herself earlier.
    Just for good measure: I'm studying two different degrees full-time, started working two uni jobs in October and get the rest of my money from a scholarship. She went to school, on good days, and filled out her request for allowance in January (!), which means we lost like €1300 that went to her mother instead.

    That's not the bad part tho - on the contrary. The bad part started when I talked to one of my best friends about the whole problem like 3 days after moving in. She read the Whatsapp chat (since I was kinda fine with it, we had no privacy lmao) and threw an absolute fit for literally days. Not the kind of fit that people throw when they're angry, but just completely mentally ill. I have like one door in this apartment that can still open and close correctly. Whenever someone hammers in a nail I flinch because it made the same sound when she banged her head against the wall, crying. I gave her my old phone at one point because hers was broken, I thought the thing to be indestructible since I tend to be clumsy but she got a fucking crack in it, idk how.
    She went on to say her trust had been destroyed, and on a scale from 0 to 100 it never completely got to 100 again because she'd always find a reason like this. I rarely texted my friend again since every time I even mentioned her, the fit would repeat. And the same way, I gradually lost all my female friends. Exhibit A: a mutual friend, which she (!) invited overnight a few days before Christmas. Because I apparently said hello a bit too nicely and offered to take a coat, my girlfriend ended up self-harming and crying until I put this girl, a minor, on the street in a not-so-nice neighbourhood at 9.30pm.
    According to her, she wasn't jealous because she was afraid that I'd be attracted to someone, but that I'd "steal" her friends. Ironically it went just the other way round. Remarkably, I haven't lost a male friend tho.

    She found out she was into that whole DD/LG stuff (don't google, really don't) and I inevitably became more of her father than her boyfriend. I cared for her all the time, and whenever I didn't, it would end absolutely horribly. Basically my time for housekeeping, uni, jobs AND mons was reduced to whenever she was at school, hence the weird schedule (my apology to all my opps who had to adapt to that). Also include listening to Linkin Park at full blast in that list because that was probably the most effective way to prevent thinking about suicide (ironically I'd been absolutely free from depression since around the time I started out on PP lel). It felt like I slept 18 hours a day, which comes pretty close to describing the inescapable depressed daze we were in all the time.

    At some point, the physical abuse started. Luckily for her, she'd always dissociate as soon as she hurt me, which meant she had no memory of it later and I'd end up being the one to care for her when she inevitably broke down. I never posted [this] replay in R1 of the GSC WC that's currently still going on, and for good reason. During the match she really needed my attention, and as soon as I put the laptop aside and lay down to cuddle her, she fell asleep on top of me. I mashed the keyboard with my feet T24 to signal my opp to turn off the timer, then when I tried to get up she woke up and, probably because she didn't want me to leave but idfk the reason anymore, started choking me with full force and digging her fingernails into my skin. After I got out of the room, I was of course incapable of playing on.

    She finally went to a psychiatrist and got meds in December, which stopped the dissociation and with it the physical violence. But to be honest, it was way too late for me. Because she coerced me into sex a few times when I absolutely didn't feel like it, I've gone from a moderate sex addict to someone who can't stand physical touch beyond hugs. And the worst thing is that I could never outright tell her how I felt, because she'd talked about suicide a lot and how I was her only reason to get her shit together in life. I also never told most of my friends because I was never alone with them, and texting wasn't possible for the aforementioned reasons. Believe me, I tried finding ways to escape all the time, and it didn't work until I finally decided to go beyond the point of no return at the start of this year.
    I emailed her psychiatrist and told her everything. Got no response, but the next session she instantly sent my girlfriend to a psychiatric clinic for 2 months. She went there last Monday, and the time without her has been absolutely amazing. After calling a few old friends, I decided that she will move out. She still thinks that at least the relationship can be saved (and that I will fucking marry her in the end??), but oh boi she's wrong.

    ----

    I'm currently busy finding myself. The entire last week I spent playing Hearthstone and learning for exams, but I'm slowly becoming more productive. Living on my own really works well for me. And I'm really looking forward to facing all of you in tourplay, every single person that has beaten or underestimated me, because you haven't seen me at the peak of my focus, or anywhere close, ever since I was a pretty bad noob. In that way, this is my second introduction to PP.

    On a sidenote, [this] alt was in fact mine. You'll notice the connection to the name of the song above, which is what I used to blow out my ear drums every time I felt like I wasn't myself anymore. It was kind of a reminder that the real me is actually still present and won't be defeated as easily. I made the alt to have something to look forward to, since it originally would have taken another 8-9 months until I'd finally leave Germany. I wanted to leave the Linkin Karp identity behind and start anew, but luckily I don't have to do that anymore. Like a butterfly, I've hatched from my chrysalis.

    ----

    One more thing I want to ask from you: if you're being abused, talk to me. If you want, come forward in this thread, or just pm me here or on Discord (Linkin Karp#4414). You only make matters worse by staying silent, and the good side will always win. The taboo on this topic, especially the one concerning men as victims, is one of the worst things our society has to offer, like I had to experience first-hand.
     
  2. Disaster Area

    Disaster Area Little Ball of Furr and Power Member

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    We're all friends here, and I'm glad you felt comfortable talking about this on this forum. I'm not the best at all at saying comforting things or the right things exactly so I just want to say I'm glad you've been able to get yourself back on your feet. I'm sure you have a bright future ahead of you, and I'm proud to be your friend. :)
     
    Chrysalis likes this.
  3. ThriceElite

    ThriceElite Member

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    One should limit the amount of investment (time, emotional, and otherwise) on things that they cannot control.

    I dislike relationships with 3DPD for the reasons you described. Too risky, too dangerous. May you have a wonderful 2D life. May you live as a calm hermit, and find your inner peace.

    May my blessings restore you.
     
  4. The Idiot Ninja

    The Idiot Ninja Member

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    ...Good lord.

    Good job on surviving through that and taking the steps you needed to take, and good job on being able to share this. You have my complete sympathy, support, and solidarity.

    Victims of physical and psychological abuse are left alone too often. Seconding Karp's advice, if you need help, don't be afraid to talk to people. Ninja#1608. I'm no clinical psychologist, but I can at least be a good friend.


    Looking forward to playing you at your A game, Karp.
     
  5. ToadNorton

    ToadNorton Member

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    Damn, that must have been a lot to go through. Luckily you persevered and didn't give up. Hopefully none of us here have to go through something like you went through.
     
    Disaster Area and Chrysalis like this.

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